Death of the Critic

Why Did I Watch That? - 009-1: The End of the Beginning

Written by: Tom Blaich


I watched a bad movie today. It is sort of a guilty pleasure of mine. Watching bad movies that is. I revel in the terrible plots, paper-thin characters, cheesy effects, and wooden acting. It fuels me.
I love them in a way that I can’t quite describe, or feel about bad games or music. To me, bad films deserve to be recognized, talked about, and maybe occasionally ridiculed. This one is no exception.

I honestly don’t know what to think about this movie. After the disappointing disaster of
Jarhead 3: The Siege, I needed a certain level of schlock to help clear my palate and reset myself towards something else. So I dug this movie out of my Netflix list, having added it for an occasion just like this. And I don’t know exactly what I got. I can’t tell if it is supposed to be an action film or softcore pornography. It isn’t too good at either, and it seems like it is trying. There is a little bit of nudity, some sex, and a lot of leather costumes that could actually be repurposed bondage gear, and of course, sexy cyborgs. Everyone is a damn sexy cyborg. Also related to each other. They wove in some weird incest stuff that makes you a little uncomfortable.

Apparently based off an early Japanese spy manga that has been adapted into TV show form before, you can clearly see the influences of the early media upon this title. The characters motivations are thin, and they included plenty of “fan service”, gratuitous shots of spandex clad pelvises and breasts. Always hinting at something but never delivering it fully.

The story itself is convoluted and ridiculous, like many out of manga, especially when condensed into a much shorter film. A young girl watches her family shot in front of her, so she is trained to be a spy and made into a cyborg. In this future, Japan is divided into East and West, so they constantly spy on each other. Her side sends her after a group of human traffickers. She has sex with the leader, and then kills his men before shooting him with her machine gun breasts. Did I forget to mention that her breasts were machine guns? Because they are. She cuts off his hand and throws it at his girlfriend, before killing more of their men, and freeing the hostages they had kidnapped. Evil girlfriend does not appreciate it. Agent 009-1 is then sent to rescue the woman who made her into a cyborg, Dr. Klein. 3 sexy evil spies hold Klein hostage. 009-1 defeats them. They give up. Klein shoots them. 009-1 is not happy. But then an evil sexy cyborg shows up and kidnaps Dr. Klein, but not before shooting one of the hostages that 009-1 had rescued the night before. Turns out Dr. Klein is bad and was paying the human traffickers for test subjects to make super soldiers. Also one of the hostages was her long lost brother Chris. He gets shot, but lives. The government is not happy with the performance of 009-1, and they disown her. She has sex with her brother. He dies. She wants revenge, so she plays chess against a rich old man for a map to the bad guy headquarters. A nice maid helps 009-1. But then the human traffickers girlfriend shows up and shoots up the place. But then she dies. They go to the bad guy headquarters, where 009-1 finds the room where her family was killed as a kid. Twist: Chris isn’t dead. Double twist: He is evil. Triple Twist: He’s working with Klein and bad sexy cyborg. 009-1 is captured, and there is some weird lesbian licking. Then zombie soldiers come in. Klein dies. Nice maid is a zombie. Nice maid dies. 009-1 kills all of the zombies. Chris dies. 009-1 is not sad. Bad cyborg dies. Boob guns. Explosion. The end.


It’s amazingly bad in a terrible way. A few of the fight scenes are almost competent, even if they attempt to distract you with weird flips and bad CGI. There is something about how dumb this movie is that makes me almost enjoy myself.



Tom has been writing about media since he was a senior in high school. He likes long walks on the beach, dark liquor, and when characters reload guns in action movies.

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