Death of the Critic

Why Did I Watch That? - Ninja Apocalypse

Written by: Tom Blaich


I watched a bad movie today. It is sort of a guilty pleasure of mine. Watching bad movies that is. I revel in the terrible plots, paper-thin characters, cheesy effects, and wooden acting. It fuels me.
I love them in a way that I can’t quite describe, or feel about bad games or music. To me, bad films deserve to be recognized, talked about, and maybe occasionally ridiculed. This one is no exception.

There are different kinds of bad movies. Incompetent student films, big budget pictures that miss their mark, the “purposefully” bad indie movies, or mainstay of schlock cinema: the bad action movie.
Ninja Apocalypse is just the latest in a long line of ninja movies that you probably shouldn’t even consider watching. As a rule, if a movie has the word ninja in its title, it is going to be pretty bad.

Apparently, after a nuclear war, all that we will have left to show of the human race is a bunch of people cosplaying as ninjas in the desert somewhere. And maybe we deserve to be remembered that way, as a bunch of generic actors poorly dressed as a cavalcade of ninjas hitting each other with fake metal swords and super powers. Did I mention that all of the ninjas have unique super powers differentiated by “clan”? Because of course they do. Our hero, if you can call him that, is an imposter Nathan Drake with a necklace that shows happy holograms, and can shoot lightning from his fingertips. Because he’s Raiden, I mean, the leader of the “Lost Clan”.

Fighting alongside him is a deaf and mute Michael Clarke Duncan impersonator, a generic Nordic man who is good with computers, a made-for-TV Jason Momoa, and a vaguely sexy lady ninja. Facing them are the fireball throwing blue ninjas, a group of angry men with scales on their cheeks that like to click their sharp teeth, and more sexy lady ninjas who “are as deadly as they are irresistible.” You have got to love bad character introductions.

After convening the “clans”, the Great Master is hit with a throwing star in the midst of his speech. This kills the Great Master. Everyone of course suspects the “Lost Clan” because, let’s be honest, who would trust a group of lightning-shooting people called the “Lost Clan”.

So the “Lost and Found Clan” has to fight their way through waves of generic and disposable ninjas, and a few zombies. Because why not toss zombies in? It can’t really make it any worse. It is clear when watching that they really didn’t know what to do for a lot of the movie, so they just tossed stuff in because it looked/sounded cool. Unfortunately, nothing in this movie looked or sounded cool, and the entire project feels like something six stoned college students put together with some Halloween costumes and a few hundred dollars. It is laughably bad in more than a few ways, but honestly speaking, it is one of the worst movies that I’ve ever seen.


Tom has been writing about media since he was a senior in high school. He likes long walks on the beach, dark liquor, and when characters reload guns in action movies.

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